My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
