Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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