There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
