mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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