I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
