if i can run in heels then i can drive
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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