What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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