She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
