How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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