you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
