your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
