I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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