you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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