My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
