would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
