you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My feet surprised me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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