Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
