i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
