He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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