my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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