Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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