gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
