We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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