i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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