She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
