Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Randomize
