grandma shit on top of the toilet
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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