you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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