im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
