Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
