you guys were way drunker than both of me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
