I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
