Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
