Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
