I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
