I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
