shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
