cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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