I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
