is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
