Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
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he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
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Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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