I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
