I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
