VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
