my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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