I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
