you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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