i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
