so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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