Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
