dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
