that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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