last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
