I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Two words: nipple clamps
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