I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
