I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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