I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
