Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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