I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
