Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
NoShamevember. You game?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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